Why I Got Married at 50
So, I read about it, thought about it, and in my personal journals wrote about it. I’ll start with the reading. Articles of all kinds, too numerous to mention, were perused but one of my favourites was in the NY Times and about a couple whose families were living in India, though they settled in the USA, who had an arranged marriage. Looking at their North American counterparts struggling with marriages and relationships, they came to the conclusion that our expectations of marriage were very romantic and unreal. Having started with very little getting-to-know-each-other time themselves, they felt it kept their expectations realistic and had taught this couple that they just had to work things out, there was no magic formula, they were already committed to highs and lows, committed to finding some differences, but they felt that they, and their family, had already chosen a partner with basic common grounds: religion, proximity of families, education, similar upbringing. It is enough. All that was required was willingness and committment. The article struck a chord with me as I too was feeling like the expectations of people for relationships were often out of whack and just as likely, if not more likely to throw the relationship off as any character flaws each individual had. So that was where I had evolved to regarding monogamy and long-term relationships, but why marriage?
I once read an astrological chart that said my sign was never quite comfortable until in a marriage. I remember having an immediate gut response to this that I would never admit to my cool feminist friends. The response was yes, this was true of me. Underneath I like traditions, I like structure, I believe in spelling things out. I believe in community recognition. So, again I went looking for more in-depth reading and found it in Elizabeth Gilbert‘s Committed.
could also not ask for a person more articulate, intelligent and relatable for me than Gilbert. Though I had never had a “failed” marriage before, unlike herself and Felipe, who both suffered from traumatic divorces, I did listen to Gilbert’s struggle in interviews, articles and finally her book and it was a fascinating journey. It also gave me the new take on the often quoted over 50% divorce rate statistic. The real evidence is that those that get married at 45 or older have an extremely low rate of divorce. Logical. But there were many other things in Gilbert’s book that made me think a great deal. I usually think by writing in my journal. Figuring things out on paper has always worked for me. That’s when I really made the decision that I did in fact want to be married, and I now knew who I wanted to be married to. That took a long time to happen as you heard in my speech about unconditional and conditional love.
After trying to get on the same expectations page with my intended groom, I really appreciated more and more the person who was so willing to go through that process with me, my now husband, Jim (aside–my first book, From Survival to Thrival, was dedicated to Jim as my dancing partner and my life partner). Now we only had to decide together, after much talk, how we wanted to be married, and find our own way with our own reasons. In my next blog post I may reveal, if they let me, either Jim’s speech, and no it is not traditional for the Bride or Groom to give speeches to one another, or my best friend and maid of honor, Elektra’s speech. This wedding put a twist on old traditions all over the place, and we can truly say we did this wedding our way, with our communities.
SHOULD PEOPLE STILL GET MARRIED?
What do you think? How do we thrive in love? I’d love to hear your feedback, so…
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